Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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