I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
