Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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