Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
