Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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