Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
