Pappa wants mamma naked
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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