Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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