butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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