Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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