I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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