I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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