college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
