after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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