dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
