I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
