When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
this is an emotional support booty call
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
