dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
