I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
