Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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