Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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