I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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