Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
