No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
