my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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