if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
