1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
