Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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