My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
