she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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