The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
