i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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