What did we do last night that was yellow?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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