Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
