I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
