I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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