I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
