these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
