America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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