Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
