ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
