Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
