I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
