I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
