Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
