how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
