It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
