yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
