It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
