hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
